“In my day” by Helen Allester
Why things ARE different since when we were babies
Five months since the birth of my second child and I am again contemplating the start of solids. Since the birth of my first child the advice has changed from starting them at four months to starting at six months and now I am hearing things about something called baby-led-weaning. Compare this to the advice from my mother who suggested starting the child on solids at two months to encourage her to sleep through the night. Her standard response, to my statement that the new research advises otherwise, is to point out that my brother grew to 6 feet tall so it couldn’t have done him any harm.
This started me thinking: Are things so much different to when our mums had us? The most obvious difference that we are all aware of is that women are waiting longer before having children. This not only means we are more apt to be tired (few 43 year olds boast of happily staying up all night and still going to work the next day), but also changes our expectations of motherhood. Motherhood is something we choose to do; it is the next step in our life plan rather than something that happens after marriage. We have enjoyed more personal freedom – more time on our own and more time alone with our partner before the arrival of baby. We have had a much longer time to become used to Sunday morning croissants and newspapers together. All of this is set to change with the arrival of a baby; the change far more dramatic than our mums would have experienced.
We also expect more from our men. We expect them not only to be interested in the child but also to be far more involved in caring for the baby. We are used to having egalitarian partnerships; taking equal share of household responsibilities. Expecting that equal division of roles to continue is not unreasonable. It is just unrealistic. Many men, if given the opportunity, will admit that children become far more interesting after they have turned 2 (some will say 3). Prior to this, it is generally the mum who is in charge; who takes a lead in all the decisions, takes time off for inoculations or sickness, plans the wardrobe and figures out how the buggy works. Our mums never expected that their husbands would even help. We become frustrated when he thinks he is doing us a favour by looking after the baby while we do the housework.
Mothers of this generation have seen more of the world and become accustomed to a high standard of living, owing to a dual income. We have spent more time in education and live in a society that judge’s success in terms of material wealth and career achievements. Along comes baby… and from a world of problem and solution, ticked off to-do lists and visible successes we dive head first into a world where yesterday’s solution does not work today or works only if mum-in-law tries it. Tasks which used to be slotted in after work expand to fill entire days as baby fails to understand our need to achieve.
We are used to control and now we cannot even choose when we get to eat. Our mums probably had help from their mum, sisters and school friends living fairly close by to them. By spreading out our child bearing years and by having careers and travel we have cut ourselves off from a lot of knowledge about babies and replaced it with at lot of information; books, websites, blogs and more books. We tackle having a baby the same way we tackle a problem at work: we research it. Unfortunately there is not only too much information to digest, it is also contradictory. We are told to trust our instincts but are then given pages and pages of the way we “should” be doing things. Much of what we believe to be instinctive is actually learned; but few of us have held a small baby before giving birth and fewer still ever had the chance to observe closely someone breast feeding. This leaves us little chance of having an educated guess at how to mother a newborn.
We have to make new “mummy friends” as our old friends find conversations about the sleep pattern of a 2 month old tedious (to say the least). Baby massage groups and ante-natal yoga are there for us to find a new circle of people not only to understand us but also unfortunately to give outlet for our well-developed competitive side.
Long before I was pregnant I knew I wanted to be a “stay-at-home mum”. Foolishly I failed to realise this also meant being a fulltime housekeeper; something which my mother’s generation would have found laughable. Whether they found the work involved as boring as I do is probably debatable but certainly the society in which they lived regarded it as something worthwhile. Going out to my husband’s Christmas function I deflected the “So what do you do?” question with the words “I am a consultant”. No lie there. I am regularly consulted by my 4 year old on such important things such as what colour hair clip she should wear and on how to make a crown. I just couldn’t face the glazed look that comes over people “in the real world” when I say that I am “just a mum”. “So when are you going back to work?” is one of the first questions thrown at new mothers – as if caring for a new baby isn’t one of the hardest jobs in the world. Our mothers still commanded respect for what they were doing.
In fairness they faced a lot of problems that we don’t have to. We have things they would have loved; efficient washing machines, baby meals and musical bouncers to name but a few. The hard physical work of motherhood is certainly not what it used to be. At the same time, the process of becoming a mother is more difficult than ever; with our self concepts as women so well formed, the shedding of the old “me” is an uncomfortable and demanding emotional task. The reason why advice offered by our mums can be exasperating is because, despite their obvious qualifications, we don’t feel they are eligible to give us guidance. While the basics of childcare may not have changed, the problems facing new mothers have. The solutions ARE different and frustration with the well meant advice is inevitable.